Laughter #1

Noah in 2005

Author unknown

In the year 2005 the lord came unto Noah who was now living in the united states and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.  Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”  He gave Noah the blue prints saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”  Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.  “Noah!”  He roared, “I’m about to start the rain!  Where is the Ark?”  “Forgive me Lord” begged Noah, “but things have changed.  I needed a building permit.  I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.  My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.  Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea.  I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would hear nothing of it. 

Getting the wood was another problem.  There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.  I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls but no go!  When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.  They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.  They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.  Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.  I’m’ still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.  Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green card status of most of the people who want to work.  The trades unions say I can’t use my sons.  They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.  To make matters worse the IRS seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.  So forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”  Suddenly the skies cleared the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up in wonder and asked. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”  “No,” said the Lord.  “The government beat me to it.”

Laughter #2

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called—and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.  The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.  He climbed a telephone pole hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber’s house.  The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.  Climbing down from the pole the telephone repairman found:  1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.  2.  The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.  3.  The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.  4.  After a couple of jolts the dog would start moaning and then urinate.  5. The wet ground would complete the circuit thus causing the phone to ring…which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. 

Laughter #3

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER” side of the road.  What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before adding “NEW” problems.

Oprah:  Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so bad.  So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls which is a part of life.  I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. 

George W. Bush: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.  The chicken is either against us, or for us.  There is no middle ground here. 

Donald Rumsfeld: Now to the left of the screen you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Anderson Cooper/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions.  I am for it now, and will remain against it. 

Judge Judy: That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY!  You can see it in his eyes and by the way he walks. 

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent hard working American.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain.  Alone.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay!  Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face?  The chicken was going to the “other side.”  That’s why they call it the “other side.”  Yes my friends that chicken is gay, and if you eat that chicken you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”  That chicken should not be free to cross the road, it’s as plain and simple as that!

Grandpa:  In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn’t that interesting?  In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish it’s life long dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together-in peace.

Aristotle:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Bill Gates: I have just released echicken 2006 which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your check book.  Internet explorer is an integral part of echicken.  The platform is much more stable and will never cra#@&&^(C…reboot.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  What is your definition of chicken?

Al Gore: I invented the chicken!

LAUGHTER #4

The top 10 reasons for modern day suicide.

10.          You miss an episode of Day’s of Our Lives, for the first time ever.

9. You fail to win the 10 million-dollar state lotto, for the 20^th time in a row.

8. Your horoscope foresees troubles in the month of March.

 7. You live in Chicago and the Cubs just failed to win the World Series…again.

6. You realize your dream of finding Elvis alive is less than likely.

5. You turn 16 and it hits you; you’re not getting any younger.

4. You’re diagnosed with the flu on the same day that your bra strap comes undone.

3. You receive your monthly phone bill, only to find out that it’s going to cost more than your net savings kept for your pension plan.

2. You work in a cubical, and you’re turned down for your promotion that would enable you to work in a bigger cubical.

(Drum roll………)

1. At this time of Christmas who do you think should receive the charity award, for giving the most?

A. Bono and MasterCard who are generously giving a whopping 1% of their fund raising efforts towards the genocide refugees in Darfur Africa.

B.              Wal-Mart who will always let their employees contribute to the community by sharing their festive holiday cheer while working overtime on Christmas day.

2. Which of the following characters do you think is more real than Santa clause?

A.              Jessica Simpson

B.               Dr. Phil

C.               Shaquille O’neil

D.              The tellatubies

3. Which of the following do you think is the most like Mr. Grentch?

A.          Dick Cheney

B.           Saddam Hussein

C. The gas station attendant

D. Cingular, T-mobile, Cricket, Sprint, Vorizon.

4. Which of the following reasons do you think would be most likely to ruin a white Christmas?

A.          the amount of green spent on toys

B.           your neighbors

C. A vacation in Hawaii

D. Global Warming

5.             What would you most like to unwrap on Christmas morning?

A.              Victoria’s secret

B. A family secret

C. The secret to the meaning of life

C.           a pipe bomb

6.             If Santa clause lost his raindeer, what other animal species do you think would best be able to accomplish the task of pulling the sleigh and taking all the presents to every little girl and boy?

A.          A flock of sheep

B.           A heard of sea lions

C.           A group of penguins

D.           A swarm of knats

7.             If a missile toe were not the only emblem of kissing lips, what other object might you like to find yourself under in the spirit of romance?

A. A pine cone

B. Your uncles toe

C. A nuclear missile

D. An inner tube

8.             If you were completely out of Christmas tree ornaments what would you substitute as suitable practical household items in order to decorated your tree?

A.          a roll of toilet paper

B.           a bag of macaroni noodles

C.           a tinseling of dental floss

D.           a frosting of powdered sugar

9.             If there was such a thing as the thirteenth day of Christmas what might your true love give to you?

A.              13 Friday the 13^th’s, for the up coming year.

B.               13 flamingoes in a peach tree

C. 13 roosters a pecking

D. 13 pigeons a pooping

10.            If the local choir was in need of caroling but you didn’t own a single Christmas album would you be willing to play the following replacement songs, in the spirit of Christmas cheer and good will to all?

A.          Instead of: O holy night.  Replaced by: Shot in the dark by Ozzy Ozbourne. (yes or no)

B.           Instead of: Christmas bells. Replaced by: Hells bells by AC/DC.  (yes or no)

C.           Instead of: It’s going to be a White Christmas.  Replaced by: Fade to Black by Matallica.  (Yes or no).

D.           Instead of: Jolly old Saint Nicholas.  Replaced by: No more Mr. Nice Guy by Alice Cooper.  (Yes or no).